On Being a Mom

Before I had kids, I imagined I would be a structured, organized, in-control parent. After all, this was for the most part, how my own life was. I had visions of silent rooms where children napped at the right times and darkened bedrooms where bedtime prayers and a kiss would send the kids happily to dream land. They would be well-behaved, too. When I said “no”, they would stop. I would be able to take them places and they would always be well-mannered and pleasant.


Then I was blessed with a stubborn, strong-willed and wonderful baby boy. From the first time I held him and looked at his face, my expectations began to change. First, it was more incredible than anything I had ever imagined. Second, I realized (am realizing) I can’t control very much anymore. Last year I was blessed again with an easy-going, jolly and wonderful baby boy, and I am amazed by the personality that comes through, even at such an early age.

I’ve been thinking about all this lately because of Eric’s sleep (or lack thereof), and hey, it's Mother's Day! :) We did some “sleep-training” when Eric was about a year old, because he was up all the time and nursing. Also, this was about the time I got pregnant with Jacob and we wanted him to be all squared away by the time the new baby arrived. It was rough for a while, but eventually it worked and he slept 7pm-6am in his crib beautifully for several months -- just like I’d imagined!

Then, I’m not sure what happened… He started climbing out of his crib – like a hundred times a night. I was really pregnant and tired. He would play all these games and get out of bed a million times. “I have to poop,” every night at bedtime. He would come out of his room or just out of his bed over and over. “The Books” all say to silently walk him back to bed. Don’t make eye contact. No conversation. Be as boring and consistent as possible. You are the boss. So this was my approach. I tried walking him silently back to bed (arms and legs flailing, screaming and crying all the way), but of course he popped right back up again 2 seconds later. I always tried to be really distant with him during this process, just like “The Books” said. I also tried spanking him, sticker charts and other rewards. But it was taking like an hour and a half, if not longer to get him to sleep and we were all feeling really frustrated.

I’m a person who usually likes to follow rules and do things “the right way” and it was killing me that I was “failing” on this all important issue of sleep. After my most recent break-down about this, I had some nice chats with Christian and also my moms and decided to take a different approach. We decided to just step back and relax a little. Make the bedtime routine last a little longer and be a little more leisurely, read, pray, chat and sing a little before saying goodnight. If he got up, I hugged him and asked what he needed and reassured him it was ok and time for bed, etc. Basically I just did more “loving him to sleep”, and followed my instincts, not “The Books” (imagine that).

Miracle of miracles, it’s working! It’s still not perfect, but he’s been going down so much more quickly. --Though he does still need to poop every single time it’s bedtime.

I guess the reason I say all this (ALLLL this. :)) is that what I keep being reminded of is that we are raising little humans; not pets. Sometimes they need a little extra from us, sometimes they don’t. But everything is a phase. They grow and change so unbelievably fast, and I don’t want to waste my time being overwhelmed and mad. There are no one size fits all solutions for children. And things that worked last month may not work today. This is not at all to say that “The Books” don’t work or that they are bad at all. I’m just saying that it’s ok to do your own thing sometimes. These kids were put with us for a reason. Apparently there’s something they need that only we can give them.

Sleep is just one example of the things that make me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing as a mom sometimes. There’s also the fact that I have to watch my son like a hawk in social situations, because he’s the kid who throws rocks at other kids, yanks toys out of hands and pushes them in the face - But he’s also the kid who snuggles up with me and winds his little fingers up in my hair and says, “I love you, Mommy. We’re family.” And who pats his brother and tells him it’s ok when he cries.

Anyway, just some thoughts I had about this precious, crazy, exhausting and priceless gift of being a Mom. We definitely need others around us to help: moms, mothers-in-law, sisters, friends. And why I need God’s help every day. After all, I’m raising His boys!